sometimes, my brain feels like this. a million different images crying out for attention from a viewer who can only make so much out of so much. lots of different me's running around with many different thoughts on how the world should be, could be, or can be. i frolick, i'm clumsy, there's the femenine me who loves being girly.(believe it or not) the me that wants to be strong above all else. there's the me that loves shiny, twirling things. multitasking me, the me that wishes to just fly away. speed racer and break dancer. country me and city me. how in the world does God expect me to keep all of the me's straight and know who i am, much less who He is? i can't hardly get a grip on what i want to do when i grow up, yet i'm supposed to understand the workings of the mind and heart of the creator of all things. He made the universe and detailed the craftsmanship of the finest grain of sand, yet i'm supposed to know Him? calls every star by name and knows not just every hair on my head, i'm sure, but every spot freckle and mole on my body. parts a sea as if it were a puddle, stop the sun in midair. keeps the tide constant every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every month of every year for ever. i'm supposed to hold His hand? i'm supposed to call on His name? what is His name? who are You? what do You want? how can i help you? is there anything that i could possibly do to help you out? seems pretty hopeless. but there's a part of me that knows there's more. it knows that eventually in this world, not everything sucks. why is life so hard? i feel like Sisyphus from Greek mythology who was sentenced to a life of trying to roll a boulder to the top of a mountain, and just when he was about there, the boulder got away from him and rolled thundering back down the mountain. when will my boulder stay? are we all sentenced in this life to roll our confounded boulders up our lonely mountains, only to have the dumb rock roll back down? maybe. i know that there is one who's rock is firmly planted...i intend to be on His team when the time comes for me to show my progress. i feel like a middle school loser. i wanna be on HIS team! ......but i do.
